Description
Welcome to another Secondhand Cindy Edition of Klein. Ally. Showvertime. After purchasing her life rights for a few BuzzBalls and a pack of smokes, we’re sifting through her handwritten notes to find out exactly how she survived the 1970s.
First up: acting as an angel investor for a local Quaalude dealer, cutting her losses just three days before a massive police raid. If that wasn't enough, Cindy casually drops the story of the time she was accidentally shot point-blank in the chest with a .22 caliber pistol at a high school house party!
Thanks to her brother's clueless buddy trying to be funny with a loaded gun, Cindy ended up with a bullet lodged against her spine, a collapsed "banana lung," and a $25,000 settlement because she was too nice to fake a limp and take her shooter's family house in a million dollar lawsuit.
To cap it all off, a newly reformed Cindy (who proudly has zero DUIs on her current record) breaks down the highly questionable economics of sitting in jail to pay off your court fines. She might be a polarizing figure, but she's our polarizing figure.
0:00:00 - The Suitcase of Chaos: Cindy brings in a giant piece of luggage containing a handwritten list of her life stories, cliff jumping accidents, and DUIs.
0:04:47 - Venture Capitalism (1970s Style): After inheriting some cash, 19-year-old Cindy decides to invest $4,000 into a local drug dealer in exchange for a 10% monthly return and free Quaaludes.
0:07:20 - Dodging the Raid: Acting on a bad feeling, Cindy pulls her investment and gets her cash back just three days before the dealers are raided and sent to jail.
0:10:04 - The 1974 Chatsworth House Party: With her parents out of town, 17 year old Cindy throws a massive party that ends in absolute disaster the next morning.
0:13:46 - Shot in the Chest: While saying goodbye to her brother's friend in the front yard, Jerry accidentally shoots Cindy point-blank with a .22 while trying to be funny.
0:19:22 - The Hospital Trip: Cindy is treated by a doctor who miraculously shares a last name with her shooter, and he eventually discovers the bullet sticking out of her back.
0:24:56 - The Million Dollar Lawsuit That Wasn't: Cindy refuses her lawyer's advice to fake severe impairments, settling with Jerry's homeowner's insurance for just $25,000 so she wouldn't bankrupt his family.
0:27:22 - The "Banana Lung" Surgery: Cindy is forced to return to the hospital a few days later to have her lung operated on because it peeled like a banana and wouldn't expand.
0:29:31 - Teasing Future Episodes: The hosts read off a wild list of upcoming stories, including a DUI where Cindy was released from jail and went straight to a high school to accept a "Best Mom" award.
0:30:26 - DUI Economics & Redemption: A reformed Cindy explains how you can "make" $150 a day by sitting out your DUI fines in jail, before giving a stern warning to viewers to never drink and drive.
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